Change will come.

Starbucks is sucking me dry man. Really, it does. Maybe I should stop leeching for a space there and get my butts seated in the civics library man. Time for a change man, time for a change.

I've been thinking. I've been thinking a whole lot. There's this uncertainty in me. The uncertainty of what is to come. What the future holds. At the rate I'm going, I should be worried of the consequences of my actions, and how it's gonna affect me later. Chances of getting into a decent university is undeniably tough. Even if you get a relatively decent grade, it's not enough. It's never enough. For instance, to get into Architecture in NUS, seemed like an impossible move. From what I heard, the recent intake was what, 200? And the number of malays that was admitted, was relatively low. Only an odd handful. This goes to show that it's highly competitive out there.

But what am I doing now? I know the facts. I've heard other's woes. I've seen what I have to see these past few months. But what am I fucking doing right now?

I can't keep on kicking up an excuse to why I'm behaving like this. I'm not oblivious to the facts out there. I guess I choose to ignore it. Turn a deaf ear. Be contented. Be complacent. Succumb to my illogical and unacceptable tendencies to do the wrong things. I can't keep running away from this. From all of this. I know I should do something about it. Aw heck, my instincts are telling me to start taking actions. Start now, when I still have the time. There's a gazillion of things to do, to keep me fucking busy for the next six months. But, I can't get my ass moving. I haven't really started the engines. I tried but I can't! What is wrong with me? Seriously?

I talked to my hommie today, and boy am I glad that I did. She's right. Whatever she said is totally right. I have to start planning. To plan smart on the things I should be doing, somewhat like a target for the major A's. And yes hommie, adam khoo's worshop sucks man. Hahha. But that's besides the point. I have to start taking actions. It's seriously easy to say so but to actually do it, is bloody, annoyingly difficult.

I have to find various source of motivation. To keep me going, to keep me focused on the things that I should be doing, to get the things I want to achieve. Regret is the last thing I want to ever feel at the end of this year, like how it was for me about two years back. I am determined. But I guess my determination is always short-lived. I really envy those who could set their minds at something and go all out to get it done. I have to learn from them. I have to buck up, pull my socks and start getting things done. And stop coming up with lame ass excuse on whatever i could think of.

I'm just mad at myself. And I'm trying hard to battle all this. They're right. I'm conflicted. I need a whole lot of motivation people. And I know I can count on my hommies(thankshommiesloveyouallloads!) for that, classmates and dedicated tutors for that matter.

I want this badly. I really want this badly.
And it has to begin with, me. Wake up.